Tired of Having the Same Old Fight with Your Partner?

By Paulette Sears

Do you notice that you and your partner tend to fight about the same old things?  Do you find yourselves rehashing the same old argument time and time again with no resolution?  If so, you’re not alone.

It’s not uncommon for couples to get stuck in a particular pattern of relating.  However, if not interrupted, a negative “cycle” can develop.  Before you know it, you may start to view your partner as an enemy from which you must protect yourself.  Blaming, attacking, and withdrawing become the weapons used to defend yourselves on what has become the battlefield of your relationship. You react to your partner’s reactions and your partner reacts to yours, going round and round in a defeating and damaging cycle. 

Unfortunately, when caught in this repetitive cycle of negative behaviors, partners are unable to see that it is the cycle, not their partner, who is the enemy.  Understanding this is the first step to restoring harmony in your relationship.  Understanding and getting off the “hamster wheel” of negative interacting is the second step. 

How can you do this?  It can be difficult and hard work, but even after years of being on this negative cycle with your partner, it is possible to recreate the loving, safe, and secure relationship you desire. 

The model of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), developed by psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson, closely informs my work with couples. This model of intervention involves helping the couple understand their particular negative cycles and the role they each play in them; followed by helping the couple become aware of how they trigger each other’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and how each responds to such triggers. 

In this EFT approach, as the motives for each partner’s behavior becomes apparent, and less time is spent engaged in the negative cycle, the couple no longer views each other as the enemy.  As the couple begins to experience a sense of safety in the relationship, they are able to let go of their defenses (blaming, attacking, withdrawing), and can be supported in openly expressing their needs and emotions to each other.  With the vulnerable expression of their needs and emotions, the couple is ready to respond to each other in a way that creates trust and a stronger bond. 

The focus of this EFT therapy model is on helping you and your partner engage in more positive interactions that serve to strengthen a healthy attachment to each other.

For more information regarding my work with couples please feel free to contact me at psears@phoenixbhc.com or 920-682-1131.